What is the definition of boundaries?

According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, boundaries are defined as lines or limits where one thing ends and another begins, or something that indicates such a line or limit. For example, the ancient wall still serves as the city's outer boundary. Synonyms: limit, bound.

What do we understand from this explanation? What are we to do with a line, a separation, even a wall, when dealing with relationships?  I believe that boundaries set the standard for how you wish to be treated. It isn’t just about keeping people out; it’s about letting people know how you want them to connect with you in a way that honors who you are. Simple to do? I don’t think so! Let me explain: To achieve this result, you need to be brave, you need to be able to stand up for yourself, and you need to have the courage to express your needs so that you can, in return, feel respected and honored as a human being. Just be aware that your friends, family, and significant others are not mind readers, and it’s not fair to expect them to know what you want. Warning! Be ready that some people might be very upset with you and that you might have to let them go.

That was a tough one for me! I was raised in France, and in my generation, children were seen but not heard! I learned that being charming and very obedient would get me what I want: to be loved and accepted, and no one will ever abandon me, the ultimate fear that I had! It took 2 years of therapy and working on myself for many years after (still today paying attention to maintaining those healthy boundaries) to be able to discover who I was, what I liked and disliked, and, most importantly, to be able to express what I deeply and truly felt. On this transformational challenging journey, I discovered this one-syllable word: NO. Such a simple word to utter but such an uncomfortable feeling to experience! We often believe, especially for us women, that when we disagree, and we stop being pleasing and charming, no one will ever like us, and we will be all alone for the rest of our lives, totally abandoned! NO it’s not true, it’s simply the opposite! The people you deserve to have in your life will love you for it! So please trust the process. I personally lost a few friends along the way, and looking back, I am glad they are gone! I did not need them in my life. They were jealous of me and were steering me in the wrong direction.

Be patient with yourself, change does not happen overnight. If you have always been a people pleaser, begin by examining how this behavior works for you. Be honest: Does it make you happy, does it get what you want and do people respect you, value you? If you can honestly answer YES, enjoy it and don’t change a thing! I hope you understand that I am not recommending that you become rebellious, angry, and push everyone away. Just learn to be aware and honest! Part of having healthy boundaries is to take care of yourself first, take care of your needs, your desires, and realize that by making yourself happy you will have the positive energy to add joy to others in your life, and everyone will win in the end.

Before I conclude, I feel compelled to address the subject of children/parents boundaries. As I had mentioned earlier, growing up in France was about discipline, and respect towards your parents. Today things have changed drastically! It seems to me that boundaries have collapsed, and that parents believe that letting their children do what they want will bring them happiness! I am not sure it works like this! I believe they need to hear the word NO from time to time. What matters is that they understand what those boundaries stand for. By doing so, they will grow up feeling good about themselves, with the power to stand up for what they believe and be happy in return.

« Creating an atmosphere of mutual respect and consideration for boundaries can lead you to the path of personal happiness »

-Nancy B. Urbach

 Stay tuned for the art of creating healthy communication.

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